For all the love-yourself-the-way-you-are sentiment that I carry around myself all the time, for all the self-confidence I have and the unadulterated vanity I can live with; for all the feminism I think I believe in, for all the women’s empowerment I want- I do still want to look good, wear the clothes I want to wear, I do still have serious body image issues, however disguised I might make them by telling myself that the motivations are health, fitness, energy levels, etc. Yes, we humans are tremendously delusional and I live with the constant sense of just how many conflicting and contradicting thoughts and feelings I walk around with. Of all the issues I feel confused about, hypocritical even, body image aka weight issues holds the first place.
I’ve blogged about this before, but really- What do I do when I just feel depressed about being fat, even though I know it doesn’t matter in the larger scheme of things, whatever that might be! As I grow older, I get more practical about it. I can look at a garment and tell that it will be a frustrating experience trying it on, even in my size! I know that shopping time is over after 2 hours, 7-8 shops. I know where the enjoyment stops and the frustration begins. I have learnt to stop short of that point and avoid going down that spiral of self-obsessed self-pity that was such a familiar state in my 20s!
These past few months though, I have had the growing realization that dealing with the problem in my head is not going to make it go away! I am obese (and perhaps unfit too?) by any standards and I simply have to do something about it. What the targets should be and whether the strategy for reaching there should be drastic or tempered are matters of detail, but there had to be a structure to this process. So I made a small beginning today, in my head and in reality. No procrastination, Mukta! I have a target- to be as gorgeous as the image in my head by the time I hit 40. That is a few years away, but even so, having that target makes me feel a whole lot better!!
To hell with faux-feminism and pretend emancipation, if looking good is important to me, it simply is and I have to be true to myself first before being true to any cause! This is one of many battles to fight and I intend making it as fun as it can get.
Well, so much for writing a blog every day..I have decided to take a break from everything, even blogging for the last few days of the year. I am literally escaping into the Himalayas for some contemplation and quality time with the kids and the mums.
But before I do that, here are some initial thoughts on what I’m expecting from the year ahead (these aren’t resolutions yet though!)
Turbo mode: It’s been a charged 2012, but much time and energy was wasted in self-doubt. In 2013, I ain’t looking back. There is a mile long list of stuff I want to do and it’s high time I did it.
Book of illustrated stories for children: Among other things, I am planning to write a bunch of short stories for children. I already have one written down. I plan to team up with an illustrator and self-publish these.
Diving certification: I must get my scuba diving certification this year. Have planned to do this forever. No good comes out of delaying what you really want. No such thing as delayed gratification (wink wink!).
Weight and fitness: Those ten-odd kilos have got to go in 2013. It’s my absolutely unbreakable promise to myself! I got to keep my date with the trainer starting second week of January!
There is also a set of career-related ambitions that are very important to me and 2013 will be a critical year to ensure certain milestones are achieved. It’s too early to divulge them yet, but am keeping my fingers crossed!
Before I sign off though, I want to thank (cheesy I know, but very very sincere!) Rahul, mum, Nupur, Rachna, my kiddies, all my dear friends at Vipul Greens and encouraging readers like Bharat, Sheetal, Nippo, Ananth, Swatantra, plus those many others who read all that I write on my blog. It is through the unconditional support as well as the constructive criticism that I have seen my writing evolve. I will not be writing a daily blog in 2013, but then I might! Frankly, it’s become an addiction…..
Happy New Year everyone!
I’ve wanted to write about this for the longest time, but never had the guts to. It’s my weight problem! I’ve been overweight for as long as I remember, precisely since higher secondary school. Even in college, weight was a hugely sensitive issue with me. Someone had to just make a passing joke about it and I would sulk the entire day, mulling the comment over and over, killing myself with guilt and low self-esteem.
And then I got married to Rahul, who always loved me for what I was and never ever ran me down on the weight aspect. Two kids down the line, my struggle with my weight has become more realistic and less paranoid. I’ve tried various things and I kind of know what works and what doesn’t.
I have to say this, though. My motivations for losing weight remain a strange mix of three things:
Health-I worry about the slight knee pains I have now and then, weak ankles, and the usual lifestyle disease worries.
Looks-I really do want to wear what I want without worrying about how the outfit will look on me, or worse, whether the shop would have it in my size…hugely embarrassing and depressing experience when they give you that sheepish but unapologetic look!
Self-esteem- I have this self-image of myself as a reasonably thin person. When I look in the mirror, that’s who I see. When I break the illusion, on some days, I see this obese person who is me, but isn’t me really! I don’t want to be schizophrenic. I simply need to thin down into my real size!
Of late, I’ve started realizing that I truly crave for fitness as well. Its a new target, one I am turning over in my head and hoping to really internalize in the next few weeks. Come July, I intend to develop a more holistic training routine. 2013 will see a new me, for sure!