There are some days when I have an acute sense of incompleteness. Abstract questions torment me. What is the purpose of my life? At what point am I right now? Where am I going from here?
Today is one of those days and while I know this isn’t exactly something to blog about…seeing as precious few read my blog on a weekend, I’m going ahead anyway.
I always grew up with a sense (misplaced, perhaps) that I am special, that I would go on to do big things, achieve greatness of some sort. My parents were instrumental, in part, in giving me that idea. They always appreciated my efforts at whatever I did and genuinely believed I was talented.
Unfortunately, my adult life has not followed through in that way. At some point, my confidence sagged (probably in that hallowed institution called SPA), I have spent precious energy exploring possibilities and today I have become some sort to Jack of many trades and Master of none at all.
Today, this was brought home to me by a discussion at my kathak guru’s home. A fellow student was describing the long arduous process of getting her son a music guru, and she was ecstatic about her success, profusely thanking our dance guru for her advise and assistance. Now the same music guru had been recommended to me as well months ago, but something, part lack of confidence, part doubts about how much time I would be able to devote, had stopped from acting on the mission. The short conversation sent me into a deeply reflective mode. Why did I not call him? Why do I not seek to devote my energies to stuff that I am good at, am interested in? I know I have an immensely emotional connection with music, to the point that it scares me. What stops me from facing that challenge head on and why do I keep procrastinating, pushing forward the day I will have to take the inevitable call to commit my time to music?
It says a lot, this set of questions I have described above, about my peculiar and utterly disappointing trait of running away from important stuff. This and my supreme lack of focus are responsible for my sense of underachievement, even as I live a happy, reasonably fulfilled life. As I inch towards my 40s and many other things in life fall in place, this self-journey is starting to take center-stage in my head. I see this happening to others around me as well, the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle slowly fitting together. I cannot run away from my needs for very long and I will have to find ways to do all of the things I passionately want to do. I cannot push the pursuit of music to another day, another week, another time. I need to do it now, in the proper way, with the right guidance, or remain guilty of its neglect.
I know that now and I am trying to resolve to address this soon. This piece isn’t about seeking attention or soliciting advice, but it is about sharing the kind of crazy reflective processes the mind can be grappling with, even as you trawl a mall on a Sunday afternoon, watch your kid eat ice cream and have completely inane, though delightful, conversations with friends!